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CHURR-OH-NO

Tuesday, December 31st, 2013

a churro with cotton candy on it

While it is true that I am a whitey-white ass who had her first churro on the Redondo Beach pier sometime in the 1970s,  nonetheless I’m pretty sure that a cotton candy churro is super wrong.*

*Let it be known I tried to embed the image but Instagram code won’t work on our ancient WordPress that we can’t update because we can’t back it up because my computer died and I am using a work computer that won’t let me do anything.

Will Bacon Finally Shut Up in 2014?

Tuesday, December 31st, 2013

cartoon drawing of Porky the Pig character with type of his signature line "That's All Folks"

According to the New Hampshire Register, bacon is on the wane! Most of the story is confusing stats that I ignored because I believe in most economic theory about as much as Ani Di Franco believes in sincere apologies. There is a lot of stuff about median reports, lean-hog futures, and such. Yawn.

This is my favorite part, though—topic transition of the year, methinks!

Barley & Grain in New York offers a Bacon Manhattan, while Double Down Saloon in Las Vegas serves a Bacon Martini.

A spreading virus called porcine epidemic diarrhea may curb gains in pork production. Reported in 19 states since April, the virus slows growth of older hogs and has a mortality rate as high as 100 percent in suckling pigs younger than three weeks, data from the Iowa Pork Industry Center data shows.

DOUBLE DOWN INDEED. I wish you all a new year free from porcine epidemics and full of baconless martinis.

SHUT UP, CHRISTMAS BACON

Monday, December 23rd, 2013

SORRY CAN’T TYPE BUSY GRINDING MY TEETH TO NUBS AT THE CONCEPT OF A BACON YULE LOG

. OH WAIT ONE MORE THING AND I WILL GO TO LOWER CASE FOR THIS BUT KNOW IN YOUR HEART I AM STILL SHOUTING:

Not only is Applegate ruining something I consider holy, Christmas decorations, but their website has a section called FAQS. THIS MAKES ME CRAZY LIKE A CRAZY CRAZED PERSON. What does “FAQ” stand for? “Frequently Asked Questions.” IT IS ALREADY PLURAL. You literally cannot have FAQS. I WILL ROONEY THIS TO MY GRAVE.

Are You Ready for a Tomato as Big as Your Head? (That’s What She Said)

Sunday, December 22nd, 2013

a woman in a tomato costume

The Los Angeles Times asks this gripping question today, in a story about, yes, giant tomatoes, now available from Burpee.

Burpee is also offering a Baby Boomer tomato variety that will bore you to death and only grows if you play it Studio 360.

Saturday, December 21st, 2013

a photo of a cake with a womans smiling face on it. there is a cat on the op of her head

That last post reminded me of my favorite cake decoration of all time—this woman uploaded the photo or whatever and then told them she would love it if they would put a little cap on her head ,  because it was a graduation cake, but they made it SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.

Robots are wasted on foodies.

Saturday, December 21st, 2013

Some chef in San Francisco has a robot that etches menus and messages onto like, squash. What an excellent use of technology! Maybe someday he can borrow the automagictron that Baskin Robbins uses to put your picture on an ice cream cake.

Salt Archives

Sunday, November 24th, 2013
a little wooden cabinet of shelves, the shelves are filled with labeled vials, the vials are filled with salt

Artisanal Bamboo Salt Chest, $125

As faithful readers (which I think might only be Blake Nelson) know, salt might be ground zero in the food wars. Used by real people to season and preserve their food for centuries, readily available and cheap, salt has nonetheless been made artisanal and precious and particular by foodies who can’t leave well enough alone. Salt happens to be one of the few things Meatball and I really know about food—remember the time we figured out that Scrabble Cheez Its have less salt than regular Cheez Its all on our own?

And salt isn’t just for food! You can use it to spite the devil, disinfect your wounds, clean your house, test to see if eggs are bad, and about a million other things, including protection againt demons:

When the devil is knocking at your door, do you really want to be messing around with your $125 Artisanal Bamboo Salt Chest?

Let Us Eat Us a Fetus

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013

several small cookies and a cookie cutter, all shaped like a fetus. the cookies have chocolate chips for eyes

When I saw this Fetus Cookie Cutter I assumed that it—like all right-thinking, logical, feeling, empathetic entities—was intended to be pro-choice. But now I’m not so sure. Perhaps scary Operation Rescuers and other antis will serve them to the women they kidnap who are on their way to have a constitutionally-protected medical procedure. Perhaps they were alien cookie cutters that didn’t sell. Perhaps they are a representation of my inner self.

PS: Here’s something really deep I just realized: Fetuses can’t navel-gaze because they don’t have navels. Put that on your menstrual calendar.

Shut Up Bacon, #9563047563456: The Case for Beards

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013

image of a mug of shaving cream and a brush, the label indicates the shaving cream is bacon-scented

I wonder if they’ll make a kale-scented one next year?

Hey Mugsy! Got Any Ancient Grains Tips?

Monday, November 18th, 2013

For some reason or other, perhaps because we used to update this blog, the lovely folks at Specialty Foods Magazine have been sending copies to Meatball and myself since 2010 or so. (Apparently a subscription is Very Official—both our subscriptions come to my house, which prompted my mail carrier to add her name to my mailbox. I think she can get on my insurance now.) We should probably tell them to cancel but it is an amazing read. My favorite coverline so far is this month’s:

ANCIENT GRAINS TO WATCH

piles of grain

Never turn your back on an ancient grain! Amaranth will cut you as soon as it will look at you, and quinoa is probably picking your pocket right now. Sorghum and kamut? Forget about it.

What I don’t get, and what I just realized is my point because I had Cheerios for dinner and crackers for breakfast, is that why the anti-carb cartels aren’t using ancient grains to their advantage. If you think about it, every civilization that once at those grains is dead. A true fact, and proof that carbs kill, if you ask me.