Shut Up, Foodies!

McDonalds belatedly getting on the bacon bandwagon with these hilarious ironic images is about as painful as reading a NYT story on hip hop.

The brilliant minds at Slash Food loved this gimmicky egg with an omelet recipe on it but failed to mention the obvious flaw—once you break the egg and start cooking, the recipe is gone.

That said, more things should come with tips on how to kill them.

…because this is so wrong.

Breaking news: people suck.

You should read the whole thing, but here is a choice excerpt:

The Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary gets weekly calls from people looking for new homes for their roosters, goats and other animals. Founded in 2004 with just a few chickens and a rooster, today the 23-acre refuge in Woodstock, N.Y., is home to more than 200 animals. While most of them are the result of investigations into farms and slaughterhouses, “a surprising number” are rescued “from the streets of New York City,” according to the sanctuary’s website.

“We get calls all the time from people who don’t want their animals or can’t afford them. We get emails about roosters found in the city or goats being neglected or pigs that are going to be killed if we don’t take them,” says Elana Kirshenbaum, programs coordinator at Woodstock.

As the local food movement takes hold and urban homesteading gains popularity, more people are giving backyard farming a try. The prospect of fresh eggs and milk inspires them to bring home adorable chicks and goats — but when chicks grow into roosters or goats begin eating the landscaping, these animals are often given to animal sanctuaries or simply abandoned.

As luck would have it, I’m heading up to a different farm sanctuary in May, and you better believe I’m going to bring some printouts and see if I can get those damn animals riled up enough to start a movement.  I’m pretty sure Elliott, a badass goat who escaped a meat market in Brooklyn, is ready to get Orwellian. (Remember it was Muriel the goat who could read and figured everything out.)

As you all know, we here at Shut Up Foodies consider Mr. Andy Rooney to be our patron saint and trailblazer in vaguely angry social commentary. (Our other patron saints are Charles Dickens, Flo Kennedy, and Al Flipside. Actually those are mine. Meatball’s are irrelevant because she is still asleep.)

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Honestly, “What’s wrong with coffee-flavored coffee?” is as trenchant and relevant today as it was when he first said it 200 years ago. Or was it 150? Anyway, we were supremely flattered to have been compared to him once, even though it was by someone who says “meh.”

Only Andy would take the time to expose this nutrage and be so focused on his truth that he completely does not die laughing saying “nuts” over and over. (Note that he takes the time to get English Major on Planter’s ass and explain the difference between “less” and “fewer.” Zap!)

I’m glad we took the time to honor Andy with things like Andy Rooney Friday back when he was alive and we still cared about and updated this blog. I’m sure for him heaven is full of mixed nuts and rainbows, as it should be.

This is hands down the MOST DISGUSTING THING EVER and I am including a lot of shitty blog commenters on that EVER. Every single person in this story on chicken skin, which includes a discussion of “skinwiches” and chicken skin tacos (OH THE JOKES), should be forced to wear this mask, which is made of chicken skin and available, of course, on Etsy.

In other news, our hero, Andy Rooney is retiring. His first piece for television, back in 1964, was “An Essay on Doors.” A brilliancy.

It is grosser even than the above mask which is made of chicken skin and being sold on ebay.

Oh, Eater.com. Sometimes even you can’t be as gross as your commenters. From a post on “cone-ing“–which should really be called “scooping,” no?–(check out my impressive punctuation styling on this sentence):

Surveillance, food police, outrageous bodies.  Leslie Kinzel is a genius. Read it. The only thing wrong with this story is that there should be a photoshop of the above scenario for LOLs. Which is what we are here for!

If this isn’t hilarious enough for you, perhaps you’d like to send your squirt off to school with a Foucault thermos as a Statement.

(Yes, we have considered “Shut Up, Cafe Press.” OF COURSE WE HAVE. But this is a hobby, you know?)

Holy crap you guys I was googling “sad eater” to find a funny photo for your amusement to go with the post about Eater (.com) being sad, and SAD EATER IS A THING.

It means “Standard American Diet.” This lady is married to a SAD EATER and it’s hard on her relationship. From a post titled “Big Lesson About Married to a SAD EATER:

I have only been raw for a little over 1 year and a half- I have been married for 17 yrs. It’s been weird for my husband-he sometimes does not understand why I am doing this.

I am not even preachy-I don’t tell people why they should eat this way (unless THEY want to know). He even told me that he is tired of hearing about how bad soda is..etc.. He’s even ‘wondering’ if we would be together if I would have been raw back then. WOW I am shocked that he would say that to me!! I have not forced this on him, or my family.. I am just being me!! All of this really caught me off guard–I love him dearly but dang it! He needs to understand that this is what I am about. I guess he thought I would try it and stop-nope-that’s not going to happen!

Dang it! She does not sound preachy at all.

There’s stuff like this all over.  It mostly seems to be something raw foodists use to describe those who haven’t seen the uncooked light.  There are lots of blog posts and forum threads devoted to the wacky dumbass things that the unenlightened SAD EATERS. (I know it’s not supposed to be all caps but it just feels right, doesn’t it?)

It’s sort of like the SAD EATERS are like the Germans on “Hogan’s Heroes”–bumbling, genial NAZIs who are endearing but nevertheless have sworn their allegiance to Hitler. I think my favorite is “SAD Eaters Say the Darndist Things” (sic), a thread on a raw food website created by someone named “svelte.” (I know) The topic is 12 pages long. (I KNOW)

However, this is pretty mindblowing. It was posted on GiveItToMeRaw.com by someone named “MissChanandlerBong” (I know) with the following description:

I just wanted to show you guys a little scenario of what happens when I try to explain raw food and it’s benefits to my friends and others who thinks raw foodism is ridiculus. In this video the man represents me and the goat represents my friends and co.

Again–totally not preachy and self-righteous! So weird that they have not converted everyone to the exaltation of raw food because if obviously does not turn people into total jerks. But this isn’t a stance particular to raw foodists, as SUF readers know–it’s a not-that-extreme example of foodie elitism and the ridiculousness of calling on individual fortitude while ignoring a systemic problem, an attitude which is all too common, SADly.

Note: I got so sucked into the SAD EATER world that I didn’t even get to the whole “Crying While Eating” movement. I urge you to explore it for yourself.

SAD COW MILK