Oh, Eater.com. Sometimes even you can’t be as gross as your commenters. From a post on “cone-ing“–which should really be called “scooping,” no?–(check out my impressive punctuation styling on this sentence):

Surveillance, food police, outrageous bodies.  Leslie Kinzel is a genius. Read it. The only thing wrong with this story is that there should be a photoshop of the above scenario for LOLs. Which is what we are here for!

If this isn’t hilarious enough for you, perhaps you’d like to send your squirt off to school with a Foucault thermos as a Statement.

(Yes, we have considered “Shut Up, Cafe Press.” OF COURSE WE HAVE. But this is a hobby, you know?)

Holy crap you guys I was googling “sad eater” to find a funny photo for your amusement to go with the post about Eater (.com) being sad, and SAD EATER IS A THING.

It means “Standard American Diet.” This lady is married to a SAD EATER and it’s hard on her relationship. From a post titled “Big Lesson About Married to a SAD EATER:

I have only been raw for a little over 1 year and a half- I have been married for 17 yrs. It’s been weird for my husband-he sometimes does not understand why I am doing this.

I am not even preachy-I don’t tell people why they should eat this way (unless THEY want to know). He even told me that he is tired of hearing about how bad soda is..etc.. He’s even ‘wondering’ if we would be together if I would have been raw back then. WOW I am shocked that he would say that to me!! I have not forced this on him, or my family.. I am just being me!! All of this really caught me off guard–I love him dearly but dang it! He needs to understand that this is what I am about. I guess he thought I would try it and stop-nope-that’s not going to happen!

Dang it! She does not sound preachy at all.

There’s stuff like this all over.  It mostly seems to be something raw foodists use to describe those who haven’t seen the uncooked light.  There are lots of blog posts and forum threads devoted to the wacky dumbass things that the unenlightened SAD EATERS. (I know it’s not supposed to be all caps but it just feels right, doesn’t it?)

It’s sort of like the SAD EATERS are like the Germans on “Hogan’s Heroes”–bumbling, genial NAZIs who are endearing but nevertheless have sworn their allegiance to Hitler. I think my favorite is “SAD Eaters Say the Darndist Things” (sic), a thread on a raw food website created by someone named “svelte.” (I know) The topic is 12 pages long. (I KNOW)

However, this is pretty mindblowing. It was posted on GiveItToMeRaw.com by someone named “MissChanandlerBong” (I know) with the following description:

I just wanted to show you guys a little scenario of what happens when I try to explain raw food and it’s benefits to my friends and others who thinks raw foodism is ridiculus. In this video the man represents me and the goat represents my friends and co.

Again–totally not preachy and self-righteous! So weird that they have not converted everyone to the exaltation of raw food because if obviously does not turn people into total jerks. But this isn’t a stance particular to raw foodists, as SUF readers know–it’s a not-that-extreme example of foodie elitism and the ridiculousness of calling on individual fortitude while ignoring a systemic problem, an attitude which is all too common, SADly.

Note: I got so sucked into the SAD EATER world that I didn’t even get to the whole “Crying While Eating” movement. I urge you to explore it for yourself.

SAD COW MILK

We will never escape.

At this point you can’t even laugh at Eater. It’s just sad.

I could go into the daylong series of events that led to me yelling this across the table at Meatball last night, but I think the punch line is really all you need.

"Imagine you drop a plate of spaghetti and meatballs on your kitchen floor. That's what al-Qaida looks like organizationally."

Robin Shreeves, at the Mother Nature Network (I know, hilarious on the face of it) thinks you and your family should gather round the dinner table and talk about how the United States took Bin Laden out. Not a bad idea, particularly if your kids were already stressed about it before school, as Shreeves’ were:

Right before my 11-year-old left for school, his younger brother told him that the Philadelphia Phillies had lost to the Mets last night. The 11-year-old commented, “I don’t really care about the Phillies right now. I’m really worried about what’s going on with bin Laden being killed.”

Personally, I would have spoken to my kid right then, instead of sending him off to the kind of day his mother anticipates:

Throughout the day, school children will hear all sorts of things, some accurate and some not, some compassionate and some not, and that will certainly give them cause for concern. Here are some of the things I imagine kids will hear — and a lot of it will be disturbing.

• Bin Laden’s followers will want revenge on the United States, and there will be new terrorist attacks. We’re not safe.
• President Obama lied. If bin Laden was really dead, the military would be keeping the body as proof.
• The president has known where bin Laden has been for a long time. He only had him killed now because he’s about to run for re-election and it’s a good political move.
• The Navy SEALs shot and killed a woman who was being used as a human shield by one of bin Laden’s men.
• No one should celebrate another person’s death. If you’re happy about it, then you’re just as bad as bin Laden.
• If you’re not happy about bin Laden’s death, then you’re obviously a Muslim terrorist
• That Muslim got what he deserved. We should get the rest of them before they get us.

Whoa, amirite? I did not know that fifth-grade was so much like the McNeil-Lehrer News Hour. She forgot that there was a roundtable at the tetherball court about Pakistan’s involvement and the rumor that Hamas will be taking revenge on not only Navy Seals but also baby seals.

I mean, obviously, you should talk to your kids about this stuff. I just boggle at the idea that you are supposed to be bringing up the topic of human shields over dinner. But there is a bonus in Shreeves’ plan for all you kids out there–she suggests parents skip the Brussels sprouts at Terror Dinner and “choose foods for dinner that you know your kids love (spaghetti and meatballs anyone?).”

Now if you’ll excuse me, my 10-year-old goddaughter and I are meeting for coffee and a discussion about the debt ceiling.

I just found this in our drafts folder, dated October 2010.

Just the headline, nothing else.

Who knows what brilliancy I was about to lay down?

Not I.

Nor you.

Just another day at the SUF offices high above Gotham.

(via The Awl)

Last night, one of us had snails. The other one had vegan soup and French fries.

YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND US.

By the way, some perverted scientists gave snails speed.

The team trained the snails to remember to keep their pneumostomes closed when oxygen levels were low by poking them with a stick every time they tried to open their pneumostomes. Giving the snails two training sessions separated by an hour, the team knew that the molluscs would hold the memory for over 24·h, but what would happen if they trained the snails in meth-laced water?

That experiment doesn’t sound AT ALL like someone on meth dreamed it up.  Poking them in the pneumostomes!