First, turn the sound down on your computer. Then, head over to Boss Hogg’s Bacon is Meat Candy Bacon Club, “Where ‘Baconism is More Than a Mere Philosophy, It’s Our Very Way of Life!” You can recline on your bacon pillow, slather on some bacon lip balm, and eat some bacon candy. Which is, ironically, strawberry flavored. There is also a chocolate-and-bacon concoction called sueyts. (Get it?)

Or perhaps you prefer the sophisticated bacon stylings of the Royal Bacon Society, where they blog about bacon, share bacon recipes, discuss bacon pet products, and even have a section on bacon porn! (Dear Reader: I did not click.) There are people getting bacon tattoos. They are putting it in tea. Bacon tea.

I don’t get it. Why? Why? Why bacon? Why? Is it because it is salty? Is it because it is fatty? Is it because it is from pigs? Why bacon? WHY WHY IS BACON THE HELLO KITTY OF FOOD? WHY?

Not only that but loooooooooving bacon is now this kind of shorthand for loooooving life. It’s like the Rachel Weisz character in the movie version of “The Constant Gardener.” She’s a lusty earthy lady who is possibly having lusty earthy affairs as she traipses around Kenya saving children. Her character is so lusty that she is always doing succulent things like picking grapes off the table and eating them with her fingers, and sucking the spoon as she makes soup because she is so freaking sensual and fertile that she has to keep shoving it in your face or she’s going to have a baby right then and there or something.

If that movie were made today, she’d be eating bacon all the freakin time.