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A Wall of Crust

No, a “wall of crust” is not the new thing Phil Spector is working on in prison (you’ll have to think about that one for a while). It’s  what Jenni Konner, a television writer, loves about the hot new snack in town, lasagna cupcakes, according to the Wall Street Journal.

I know, it is totally revolting but OH MY GOD IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE.

First, Matt Poley of Heirloom-LA, the guy who invented them wants to kill language.  He tells the WSJ reporter, “The truth is, it’s kind of hard to dog on a lasagna cupcake. As long as they aren’t scalding hot, you can eat them with your hands.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? How does one dog a cupcake? Then, he uses “lasagna cupcake” as a verb.

Mr. Poley makes the lasagna cupcakes in all different sorts of flavors. A dozen of them are standard, including the mac and cheese, a Bolognese and one with short ribs. Others depend on the season.

“It’s all market driven,” said Mr. Poley, who is working on a cookbook tentatively titled “Animals and Cupcakes.

“When corn rolls around, we’ll make them with corn. Or sweet peas. It’s really hard to do pumpkin year-round. Maybe we’ll come back from a party with some pork ribs that went uneaten and make some barbecue pork rib lasagna cupcakes. That’s where our beef stroganoff idea came from. We just lasagna cupcake’d it.”

HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING? In Cairo people are riding camels into riots and fighting for their lives and this guy is all “it’s hard to dog a cupcake, and then we lasagna cupcake’d it.” Also where the fuck did the apostrophe come from?

Then there is this brilliant endorsement of the product by a woman who lasgana cupcake’d her wedding:

“Brides aren’t supposed to eat, but I couldn’t stop,” Ms. Fox said. “They’re uniformly delicious. If you thought a beet lasagna cupcake was disgusting, you’d be wrong. This just in: it was delicious, too.”

I was not previously aware that brides are not supposed to eat, but I am really curious to know if Ms. Fox’s wedding was the one mentioned on Heirloom-LA’s website where “the entire menu was turned into Tacos at the end of the night so guests could keep their groove on.” They taco’d the menu!

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  • Meatball

    Well, for a minute there, I thought there was cake in this. But it’s … just… lasagne in … a muffin tin, really. WWSLD!?!


  • Sugar

    I’m having trouble wrapping my head around this. It’s like fair food meets catering with the single-mindedness of Forrest Gump. I don’t know what this substance ‘lasagna cupcake’ is, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know.

    Even if they weren’t talking about something that sounds like it was invented by a 3-year old, they say some weird things:

    “When corn rolls around, we’ll make them with corn.” I think corn rolls around as long as it’s on the cob. Peas generally roll around all the time, so no worries there.

    “It’s really hard to do pumpkin year-round.” And what is he doing with pumpkin exactly?

    “Maybe we’ll come back from a party with some pork ribs that went uneaten and make some barbecue pork rib lasagna cupcakes. That’s where our beef stroganoff idea came from.” Stop right there. In his mind barbecue-pork-rib-lasagna cupcake=beef stroganoff? Okay, continue. “We just lasagna cupcake’d it.” Did you now? I think I missed that part.

    “uniformly delicious” Not one was more delicious than another. All varieties were not varieties in terms of deliciousness. They were all the same, so it didn’t really matter which one you were eating as long as you weren’t a bride who wasn’t supposed to be eating. Brides–let them eat cake!

    “If you thought a beet lasagna cupcake was disgusting, you’d be wrong. This just in:” Your opinion doesn’t matter. News flash: beets are good.

    I just lasagna cupcake’d cupcakes!


  • Better Idea

    I think we all need to work to bring the verb “lasagna cupcake’d” into popular use.

    For example:
    As soon as the Twirly Ride stopped, this kid ran right up to his poor mom, and “lasagna cupcake’d” all over her shoes.

    …or perhaps:
    I brought this girl home from the bars late Saturday night, and after she passed out, I “lasagna cupcake’d” all over her. I couldn’t help myself – she was so uniformly delicious!

    Let the un-necessary punctuation flow freely!