BROS!

Brofessional Cuisine

Brofessional.com, disappointingly, is not a site where Bros come to confess things. But it is “The One & Only Site Dedicated to Helping Bro’s Become Pro’s.” That does not involve learning how to use apostrophes. It does involve food, though!

They have exciting recipes like:

Holiday Dip

This pumpkin flavored treat started out as a Thanksgiving dessert, but it will spice up any holiday soiree. The best part is that there’s no baking, cooking, or work required.

Ingredients:

– 16 oz. Cool Whip (or any frozen whipped topping, thawed)
– 5 oz. instant vanilla pudding mix
– 15 oz. solid pack pumpkin
– 1 tsp. pumpkin pie spice (can substitute 1 tsp. ground nutmeg and cinnamon)

Mix pudding mix, pumpkin, and spice together. Stir in the thawed frozen whipped topping. Chill in the refrigerator before serving with cinnamon or honey graham crackers.

Let’s be honest. That’s not even funny. Brofessional is so deadly earnest that I can’t even really laugh at it. They have a whole advice column about whether “Bro’s Before Ho’s” really applies in every situation. Consider the potential pitfalls of mixing Bro’s with Ho’s for example:

Mix with caution. Many unfortunate brothers make the tragic bro-ho mistake. They try to mix their bros with their hoes, to disastrous results. Simply put, just because you like your bros and you like your hoes does not mean they will like each other. Chances are, your girl does not want to spend hours in someone’s basement chugging beer, watching ESPN, and talking about other babes. Likewise, there are very few situations in which bros would to partake in an afternoon excursion with your ho– can you really see them wanting to tag along shopping, getting a manicure, or catching a chick flick?

Otherwise, you may find yourself saying, “Oh No’s.”

—Snacktime

Definition: Icing

icing

I guess it truly is Bro Day, Snacktime.

Definition provided by Bros Icing Bros:

A new drinking game is spreading around college campuses. Quite simply the simplest, funniest drinking game ever created. It’s quite easy. Buy Smirnoff ice, present it to one of your bro’s in any manner, your bro must instantly get on one knee and chug the Smirnoff ice on the spot regardless of setting.

Now profiled even in The Times:

 The premise of the game is simple: hand a friend a sugary Smirnoff Ice malt beverage and he (most participants have been men) has to drink it on one knee, all at once — unless he is carrying a bottle himself, in which case the attacker must drink both bottles of what Mr. Rospos described as a “pretty terrible” drink.

And coming soon to a youth near you.

"What is the most insane and/or disgusting thing you have ever eaten while intoxicated?"

chicken gizzards

Raw chicken gizzards, posted for mental imagery.

It’s a long story how I ended up at BroBible.com, a site that champions the “achievements” of bros.  I seriously don’t recommend reading their politics – however, I did come across an entry asking readers to comment on what the most disgusting thing they’ve ever eaten while intoxicated, and this one takes the cake.  Literally.

“In 8th grade I was high enough to eat Stop and Shop Birthday cake covered in blueberries and soaked in Frank’s Red Hot sauce; a couple months ago I was drunk enough to devour some chicken gizzards that were for my buddy’s dog.”

Ah, young stoned bros.  Gourmets in the making.