Posts Tagged ‘candy’

Candy Season Is Upon Us!

Thursday, October 14th, 2010

photo of gene wilder, an actor, dressed up as willy wonka (purple top hat and coat), surrounded by Oompa Loompas who are little orange people with white eyebrows. The oompas are all around Willy Wonka, he is in the midd;e

It is the start of the most wonderful time of the year, the time where you get lots of candy all the time. And candy. How to handle the abundance?  This morning, Shut Up Foodies pal Jane Minty, the proprietress of Moist & Tasty baked goods came up with the brilliant idea of a Halloween Advent Calendar. This seems necessary and prudent. Basically you could ramp up to Halloween by eating a little more candy each day.

I propose we take the idea even further and create an algorithmic stream of data-driven doses that will take you from October 1 to March 30, the official time frame of Candy Season. Surely some nerd out there can do the math that would allow us to flow from the initial high of Halloween to the tryptophan-and-candy-corn coma of Thanksgiving (but you have three days to recover!), on into Christmas* and Hankkah and Kwanzaa and their delights, through the dark month of January and the double-edged sword of Valentine’s Day (lovers give one another candy, singles buy candy for themselves, etc.), finally tapering off once the last bit of Easter’s chocolate bunny has been consumed.

Ideally you could also program in your menstrual cycle and other factors that might spike a need for candy—birthdays, deadlines, laundry, mornings—that the program wouldn’t otherwise have anticipated. The CandyCal will make me meeeeeeliiiooooons, I just know it.

Jane Minty brought another one of my dreams to life when she made a tercaken for our friend Krista’s birthday. However, it would be remiss of me if I did not point out that my dream involved me getting a tercaken, not Krista. How did this happen? The nefarious Ms. Garcia, living up to her blog name “Goodies First”, preyed upon Ms. Minty’s good nature in a brazen manner. Click  here to see where she snatched my dream., and look below to see what she feasted on, yellow cake surrounding cherry pie surrounding Oreos.

Her underhandedness did not stop there. In a blog post boasting about said cake, she has neatly written me out of history!

As many great ideas do, the Turcaken arose from a joke. I think it initially had something to do with Twitter and trying to come up with the cocktail equivalent of a turducken. All I know is that I wanted a Turcaken for my birthday and got one.

Why yes, it did have something to do with Twitter and trying to come up with the cocktail equivalent of a turducken. Is that a knife you see in my back, one with tercaken crumbs on it? Recounting this story has weakened me. I will close by noting that today I learned of cupcake pie, and my birthday is in 14 days.

*This reminds me of another brilliant idea/huge disappointment: There should be a candy advent calendar that actually IS candy. So  you eat a piece every day and then on Christmas you eat the calendar itself. Must I think of everything for the whole world??

Here, Have An Art Film With Your $8 Candy Bar

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

The Mast Brothers from The Scout on Vimeo.

Eh. The Mast Brothers seem nice, and they make great chocolate bars, but the luxury-product as-return-to-the-old-days thing is tiresome. What old days? Feudalism? When the lords in their mansions feasted on hand-crafted foods while poor folks ate crap? Those days are here, my friends!

Candy in the Corner

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

Mars’ new Pretzel M&M’s [are] the latest whored-up incarnation of what began as the world’s simplest, most virginal candy.

The Onion AV Club mourns the loss of M&M innocence.

Foods on Fertility Drugs

Friday, April 2nd, 2010

While I will admit that being able to buy potato chips with salt and pepper at the bodega is a plus, in general I’m against the over-differentiation of food. Must there be 900 ice cream flavors, plus stir- ins? Why are there so many kinds of GUM now? It’s like Octo-Mom—sure, there’s more of them, but you know each one is loved a little less. A Reese’s BAR is utterly wrong.—Snacktime

Shut Up, Bacon XI

Friday, April 2nd, 2010

Bacon and Egg Chocolate Easter Eggs, $22. Of course, you can’t eat them on Good Friday.

Oh man, I just realized they have an entire bacon and chocolate section on the website, with pancake mix. Jesus weeps.