Last night, one of us had snails. The other one had vegan soup and French fries.

YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND US.

By the way, some perverted scientists gave snails speed.

The team trained the snails to remember to keep their pneumostomes closed when oxygen levels were low by poking them with a stick every time they tried to open their pneumostomes. Giving the snails two training sessions separated by an hour, the team knew that the molluscs would hold the memory for over 24·h, but what would happen if they trained the snails in meth-laced water?

That experiment doesn’t sound AT ALL like someone on meth dreamed it up.  Poking them in the pneumostomes!