Just Don’t Order a “Tall One”

frame from Lord of the Rings movie with hobbits

Or a “Halfling and Half,” when you belly up to the bar at Hobbit House, the world’s only–no wait there are two–hobbit themed bar, staffed entirely by what the website describes as “the smallest waiters in the world.”  Founded by a Peace Corps volunteer (I KNOW) in the ’70s (ALSO), there is one Hobbit House in Manila and one in Boracay, both decorated with “swords,lights,plant tables,paintings and decors that evoke Middle Earth.”

H0w many jokers do you think have walked in there with “NOT PENNY’S BOAT” written on their hand? I know I would.

Eat, Pray, Sell Gourmet

Substitute “Portland,” “Seattle,” or multiple other cities in the graf below:

Carrot buns, lemon macaroons, golden veal cutlets and tamarind ice cream spiked with balsamic vinegar are taking New York by storm, as street carts trade working-class fare for delicacies.

One thing that really irks me about the food truck thing is that it’s only become a “trend” now that food trucks are “gourmet” and run by middle class  people. I grew up in Los Angeles going to taco trucks all the damn time, and since living in New York have eaten multiple falafels, pretzels, and ice cream sandwiches from food trucks.

And it’s even more irksome when you read about people like Oleg Voss, “a 28-year-old culinary school graduate and one-time investment banker.” He had to give up his lucrative job in Vienna to open his veal cutlet cart, because of “the brutal economic recession.” That is brutal!

It seems like “I opened a niche gourmet food business” is the new “I found myself.” Who needs an ashram when you can sell artisanal delicacies to people who enjoy the added flavor of self-righteous foodiness? Oh and isn’t it funny, hahaha, when people who have been working on the street for their entire lives don’t take kindly to being pushed out of business by a trend? Take, for example, two former marketing executives who have now opened a gourmet ice cream truck:

“Three Mister Softee guys came and threatened to burn our truck,” said Di Mille, referring to the half-century old franchisor of trucks serving up soft ice cream.

Yeah I don’t know why they would have an issue with two former marketing executives with “friends in the New York police force” taking away their business. After half a century.

Keep On Truckin’

robert crumb cartoon of a guy with a big foot

Taco trucks are so old-school, you guys. Now I only get my food at the CSA Farm Truck. Technically you have to be a member to shop there but you can sign up for the CSA on the spot and pick up “pickling cucumbers, radishes and yellow squash, along with other regional products from up north, like Walpole Creamery’s raw-milk maple walnut ice cream and Vermont Coffee Company’s fair-trade, organic beans.”

After that, I will wander over to the Marlowe & Sons slaughter truck, where I can kill a chicken or cut off a few ribs from a cow for dinner. Then I’ll stomp some grapes at the wine truck and, if I have time, pick up some bread at the knead truck. What could be more environmentally sound than boutique delivery of authentic food?