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Aloha, Eggheads.

Blue Hill at Stone Barns (hey, I’ve actually pulled carrots there, not kidding) announces the latest fad in welcoming customers: a cured egg yolk lei! As patrons enter the restaurant, they’re greeted with the lei and directed to their seats.  Oh wait, no they’re not. The restaurant takes the cured eggs and grates them over pasta or whatever. So… why this guy (the chef) is making them into leis, who knows. But more importantly, how bad must he smell?

Other highlights from Bon Appetit’s Big Ingredients of 2014: pancakes for dinner (please don’t make pancakes into ramps, please please), bronze fennel (oh dear god) and “a shot and a beer” (i.e. Friday night).

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Shut Up, Bacon #72299: That’s A Stretch

New Rising Media reports “Study Shows Eating Bacon Will Make You Live Longer,” an incredibly misleading headline about a study in which scientists tested roundworms with doses of niacin. My favorite part of this report? “The vitamin [niacin] is also rich in the likes of Marmite, paprika, peanuts and sun-dried tomatoes.” Because, as we all know, Marmite is one of the leafy greens found in the wild known for its properties of longevity. (Do they know Marmite is a brand? Do they know it’s a spread created by humans?)

I mean, if you wanna eat bacon, just shut up and eat it already. It’s not going to make you live longer. If you love it, maybe you’ll enjoy your days more. If you write for SUF, however, you’ll die sooner because everyone keeps bro’ing out on it and it’s been driving you crazy for years.

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And then she never went to Starbucks again.

The Starbucks Challenge for the woman named Beautiful Existence is complete! And I didn’t even know it had started.

She says she did it because, “Where are the WOMEN challenging themselves in the world? Where are the effects being shown on a woman’s culture? A woman’s family & children? … Where is HER VOICE on how an international company is directly or indirectly impacting everything from her waistline to her bottom line and every other woman’s, man’s, child’s, societies and planets world with their presence?” Meaning, that guy that ate McDonald’s every day and Jared from Subway had made their mark on the world with conspicuous fast food consumption, and she was wondering where the ladies were at in these challenges. She maintains that her health is actually better after this year-long experiment.

The cost averaged $500 – $600 a month just for her, not for the rest of her family, which is impressively high (I spend max $200 on food a month for me and my hombre in NYC). Coupled with her ideology and reasoning, I fail to see how this is a successful or groundbreaking stunt. I guess, what I mean to say is… what’s the point? The feminism link is weak and she’s super stoked on a major company that doesn’t need any free help, really. Maybe the happiness factor can be explained by the wicked caffeine fix? Am I the only one missing it here?

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CHURR-OH-NO

a churro with cotton candy on it

While it is true that I am a whitey-white ass who had her first churro on the Redondo Beach pier sometime in the 1970s,  nonetheless I’m pretty sure that a cotton candy churro is super wrong.*

*Let it be known I tried to embed the image but Instagram code won’t work on our ancient WordPress that we can’t update because we can’t back it up because my computer died and I am using a work computer that won’t let me do anything.

Will Bacon Finally Shut Up in 2014?

cartoon drawing of Porky the Pig character with type of his signature line "That's All Folks"

According to the New Hampshire Register, bacon is on the wane! Most of the story is confusing stats that I ignored because I believe in most economic theory about as much as Ani Di Franco believes in sincere apologies. There is a lot of stuff about median reports, lean-hog futures, and such. Yawn.

This is my favorite part, though—topic transition of the year, methinks!

Barley & Grain in New York offers a Bacon Manhattan, while Double Down Saloon in Las Vegas serves a Bacon Martini.

A spreading virus called porcine epidemic diarrhea may curb gains in pork production. Reported in 19 states since April, the virus slows growth of older hogs and has a mortality rate as high as 100 percent in suckling pigs younger than three weeks, data from the Iowa Pork Industry Center data shows.

DOUBLE DOWN INDEED. I wish you all a new year free from porcine epidemics and full of baconless martinis.

I can’t.

Zack Morris

A glance at the list of restaurants celebrating their 10th anniversaries in 2014 makes it clear that 2004, like the years 1967 and 1991 in music, or 1939 and 1999 in film, was a game-changer for the city’s restaurant scene.

From The New York Times’ article 2004, the Year That Changed How We Dine; 12/30/2013

My eyes just rolled out of my head and down the hallway, out the door and into the street and got ran over by a livery cab. This comparison is the pits, NYT. THE PITS. Ugh.

Pizza Monster.

The LA Times says, “This is not a joke.” The Mirror calls Macauley’s take on Warhol’s eating a hamburger but with pizza, “deeply weird.” Noisey says the video shoot “smells like ass. A very doughy take on ass anyway.”  Stereogum added the final coup d’etat, “Yeezus? Fuck that, meet Cheezus.”

The Pizza Underground. I wanna see you live. I’ll borrow my girl Beyonce’s pizza getup and y’all better get ready.

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SHUT UP, CHRISTMAS BACON

SORRY CAN’T TYPE BUSY GRINDING MY TEETH TO NUBS AT THE CONCEPT OF A BACON YULE LOG

. OH WAIT ONE MORE THING AND I WILL GO TO LOWER CASE FOR THIS BUT KNOW IN YOUR HEART I AM STILL SHOUTING:

Not only is Applegate ruining something I consider holy, Christmas decorations, but their website has a section called FAQS. THIS MAKES ME CRAZY LIKE A CRAZY CRAZED PERSON. What does “FAQ” stand for? “Frequently Asked Questions.” IT IS ALREADY PLURAL. You literally cannot have FAQS. I WILL ROONEY THIS TO MY GRAVE.

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Are You Ready for a Tomato as Big as Your Head? (That’s What She Said)

a woman in a tomato costume

The Los Angeles Times asks this gripping question today, in a story about, yes, giant tomatoes, now available from Burpee.

Burpee is also offering a Baby Boomer tomato variety that will bore you to death and only grows if you play it Studio 360.

a photo of a cake with a womans smiling face on it. there is a cat on the op of her head

That last post reminded me of my favorite cake decoration of all time—this woman uploaded the photo or whatever and then told them she would love it if they would put a little cap on her head ,  because it was a graduation cake, but they made it SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.