New Rising Media reports “Study Shows Eating Bacon Will Make You Live Longer,” an incredibly misleading headline about a study in which scientists tested roundworms with doses of niacin. My favorite part of this report? “The vitamin [niacin] is also rich in the likes of Marmite, paprika, peanuts and sun-dried tomatoes.” Because, as we all know, Marmite is one of the leafy greens found in the wild known for its properties of longevity. (Do they know Marmite is a brand? Do they know it’s a spread created by humans?)
I mean, if you wanna eat bacon, just shut up and eat it already. It’s not going to make you live longer. If you love it, maybe you’ll enjoy your days more. If you write for SUF, however, you’ll die sooner because everyone keeps bro’ing out on it and it’s been driving you crazy for years.
While it is true that I am a whitey-white ass who had her first churro on the Redondo Beach pier sometime in the 1970s, nonetheless I’m pretty sure that a cotton candy churro is super wrong.*
*Let it be known I tried to embed the image but Instagram code won’t work on our ancient WordPress that we can’t update because we can’t back it up because my computer died and I am using a work computer that won’t let me do anything.
This is my favorite part, though—topic transition of the year, methinks!
Barley & Grain in New York offers a Bacon Manhattan, while Double Down Saloon in Las Vegas serves a Bacon Martini.
A spreading virus called porcine epidemic diarrhea may curb gains in pork production. Reported in 19 states since April, the virus slows growth of older hogs and has a mortality rate as high as 100 percent in suckling pigs younger than three weeks, data from the Iowa Pork Industry Center data shows.
DOUBLE DOWN INDEED. I wish you all a new year free from porcine epidemics and full of baconless martinis.
A glance at the list of restaurants celebrating their 10th anniversaries in 2014 makes it clear that 2004, like the years 1967 and 1991 in music, or 1939 and 1999 in film, was a game-changer for the city’s restaurant scene.
The LA Times says, “This is not a joke.” The Mirror calls Macauley’s take on Warhol’s eating a hamburger but with pizza, “deeply weird.” Noisey says the video shoot “smells like ass. A very doughy take on ass anyway.” Stereogum added the final coup d’etat, “Yeezus? Fuck that, meet Cheezus.”
SORRY CAN’T TYPE BUSY GRINDING MY TEETH TO NUBS AT THE CONCEPT OF A BACON YULE LOG
. OH WAIT ONE MORE THING AND I WILL GO TO LOWER CASE FOR THIS BUT KNOW IN YOUR HEART I AM STILL SHOUTING:
Not only is Applegate ruining something I consider holy, Christmas decorations, but their website has a section called FAQS. THIS MAKES ME CRAZY LIKE A CRAZY CRAZED PERSON. What does “FAQ” stand for? “Frequently Asked Questions.” IT IS ALREADY PLURAL. You literally cannot have FAQS. I WILL ROONEY THIS TO MY GRAVE.
Burpee is also offering a Baby Boomer tomato variety that will bore you to death and only grows if you play it Studio 360.
That last post reminded me of my favorite cake decoration of all time—this woman uploaded the photo or whatever and then told them she would love it if they would put a little cap on her head , because it was a graduation cake, but they made it SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.
Some chef in San Francisco has a robot that etches menus and messages onto like, squash. What an excellent use of technology! Maybe someday he can borrow the automagictron that Baskin Robbins uses to put your picture on an ice cream cake.
I’d say we all put our pizza pants on one leg at a time, but this is Beyonce, and she surely has some extra special, surprise! the pants are on at midnight! sort of way to dress herself. If I wore this outfit, I’d be ridiculed in the streets, but this is Beyonce, and she looks both quirky and fabulous, all at once. Does Beyonce even eat pizza? An article on E! points out that Bey is now vegan (for the time being), so the pizza clothing is a shock, a SHOCK!
You know who does eat pizza? Katy Perry, in the bathtub, which I discovered watching “Part of Me” (so what, I watch documentaries of questionable content on Saturday mornings). And while searching for the scene, I discovered loads of people have saved the scene, and left off her head. So that’s disturbing – do people get off on this? Gross. Looks like it’s only safe to wear pizza pants, not eat pizza in the bathtub.