You aren’t getting much from me today folks, sorry. Tomorrow we will return to your regular diet of food satire, but for now the big news is that my cat decided I have too much money so he got sick, and now the money I didn’t spend on lab tests will henceforth be spent on really expensive cat food made of RABBIT. It is the grossest thing ever. However, this picture made my head explode, so there is that. Or was it my heart??
I don’t know if this commercial is playing nationwide—I keep seeing it on Hulu. If I understand correctly, Friskies contains some psychedelic substance that will make your cat think it is the same size as cows, then go fishing on a boat that is also a fish, and then be serenaded by chickens playing drums before the high wears off. Not to mention that in the middle of the sea portion there is a piling with an aquarium on top. It is phenomenal.
As a full-figured cat, I’ve had my share of food issues over the years. It seems like no matter what I do, it’s hard to lose weight. For one thing, I’m a compulsive eater. Loud noise? I will eat. Raining? Maybe just a little kibble. Just woke up from a nap? Better check the bowl. If there’s no food, I’ll just eat paper or drive everyone crazy by knocking things over and meowing pitifully nonstop.
It’s really hard because I live with my girlfriend Monster, who is one of those cats who can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight. Her food is up on a windowsill that I can’t reach—when I see her up there eating, it just reminds me of my failures. And I want to eat.
I’ve been working on portion control and got one of those bowls with a timer that feeds me once per day. But I’ve always had trust issues—the timer is set to go off at 6 am, but every morning at about 5:30, I get so worked up at the thought that the battery might be dead or the feeder might be empty that I wake everyone up by MEOWING A LOT and sticking my paw into various mouths if that doesn’t work. I still haven’t lost much weight.
Being a fat cat is no fun. People have no qualms making fun of my size to my face. It’s like they can’t even see my great personality or how freaking cuddly I am. Noo, it’s all about fat cat shaming. Look, you don’t know what my life was like before I came to live here. I have issues.
So when I heard about a Tufts University study (yes I heard about it—cats can’t read) that found many diet pet foods have inaccurate information and may even lead to weight gain, well, it made me feel a little better about the whole thing.
Time now a little nosh before I go back to sleep.
The NYT has a piece today called “People Who Photograph Food and Display the Pictures Online,” about obsessive food-photo bloggers, like a neuroscientist who has 9,000 pictures of food up. NINE THOUSAND.
I have to agree with my still-my-new-best-friend Andrew Zimmern, who says “I care what SOME people eat and think about their food life BUT not what EVERYONE eats.”
It’s not like they are pictures of CATS. There can never be enough of those.