End Times

You know what my favorite food is? Crackers. CRACKERS! All crackers—Saltines, Triscuit, Wheat Thins, Wasa, Carr’s, rosemary-flecked whatever—all crackers! I love! One time in 1994 I house sat for my friend Jill and she filled the cupboard with crackers and it was one of the best weekends of my life. She even left me some Escorts! Escorts are the brie of crackers!

However, at the grocery store today, I did notice a certain gourmand air to the cracker aisle, which filled me with trepidation. I should have just grabbed my Wasa and made a break, but instead I reached out to pick up a box of “Pain Rustique Flatbread Crackers,” which, on its own, is not too bad.

Then I looked at the back of the box and saw the SUGGESTED WINE PAIRING. Apparently one ought to enjoy one’s “toothsome” Pain Rustique with a Sauvignon Blanc and some “suave chevré.” Dear God, they’re in league with the English Major Cheese Shop. The box also requests that you “Please enjoy responsibly.” Presumably they mean the wine but I can see someone going on a Pain Rustique binge and doing something regrettable. Where do you think the whole crackers in bed thing came from?

Suggested musical pairing.