Shut Up Bacon

Shut Up, Bacon XV: A Strange Bacon Aftertaste

         

A tipster told us about Uncle Oinker’s Bacon Mints, and when I went looking for them, I found this culinary review, courtesy of Mr. Baconpants:

The thought of the smoky flavor of bacon and the hint of mint made my mouth water. But sadly when I finely tasted this combination I was disappointed.

At first the bacon flavor hits you, followed quickly with the mint flavor. This part is not bad, but then after the mint is gone you are left with a strange bacon after taste. If they could only make the mint flavor last longer than the bacon flavor, these mints would be refreshing.

—Snacktime

Shut Up Bacon XIV: Fast Foodie

This certainly isn’t the usual foodie-fodder, but in case you’re around regular people, or maybe even those who delight in fast food because they find it ironic, The Consumerist reminds us that April 12 is going to be a God-forsaken BACON-FREE-FOR-ALL.  Run for your lives – this is two pieces of KFC fried chicken serving as the bread for a bacon & cheese sandwich.  

I wonder if there will be stampedes.

Shut Up Bacon XII

From Renee at Womanist Musings:

I know that Americans love their crappy bacon but honestly, there have to be limits. (Yeah, I’m calling your bacon crappy. It is nowhere near as good as Canadian bacon.) I was chatting with a friend of mine and she mentioned that she had recently bought some soap that smelled like bacon.  Your eyes did not deceive you, I said soap that smells like bacon. 

Fortunately, she recognized how wrong this was and did not decide to bathe in it.  Can you even imagine?  Anyway, instead of relegating this monstrosity to the garbage where it most certainly belonged, she passed it on her to mother.

Let’s consider the work that motherhood entails. In the womb this woman jumped on her mothers bladder, and gave her morning sickness.  In childhood there were bedtime stories, and the cleaning of disgusting body fluids.  There were the endless nights of worry and the cooking and cleaning.  All of this time, effort, and love, and she rewards her mother by giving her soap that smells like bacon.

When I mentioned that this was absolutely shameful and that she would most certainly be the star of this week’s Sunday shame, her only defence is that her mother not only liked the smell of the monstrosity, but asked for it.  Jesus take the wheel.

Right now I dress and take care of my children, but I fully expect them to help me stay on track later in life.  If they let me out of the house with one of those terrible Easter egg hats, or find me dousing myself in bacon, I fully expect them to save me from myself.  She asked for it, is no excuse for letting your mother douse herself in bacon scented soap; it is a call for intervention.

Seriously, y’all? I mean, I can understand strange bacon products that you actually eat—bacon tastes good, even when it’s taken to ridiculous heights. But SOAP that smells like bacon? I mean, bacon is greasy. It is manifestly unclean. Part of the pleasure of it is that it feels vaguely dirty. Soap?

(Did I sound like a foodie just there? Overanalyzing bacon? See…)

-Julia Childless

Shut Up, Bacon VII

                            

“Food and wine writers like to talk of “terroir,” or how a a food reflects local character. Well, eating this bacon is like being adopted by Dolly Parton. It tastes the way your flannel shirt would smell after you and Dolly sat around a campfire and she sang old Hank Williams songs and played guitar.”

No words.

—Snacktime